My mother always told me that relationships aren’t easy, they take time, effort, and sacrifices. She was right of course, relationships are extremely hard, but the breakups are even harder.
I was in a relationship for the first 2 years of college and I thought I found the one. The first year was great, we rarely fought and we spent every day together, literally every day. It was one of those addictive relationships. You know the ones I’m talking about? The kind where you could fight and cuss each other out and still want to be around them. It was like a drug, we kept coming back to each other, even for months after we officially broke up. We just couldn’t get away from each other. We looked like we had it all together. We were known on campus; people would ask us when we were going getting married. We both thought this was it, no need to look further.
But then the second year hit and the fighting got worse. Much worse. Eventually, he told me he wished he was single again. Do you know what it feels like to be with someone for 2 years and then have them say they’re not feeling you anymore? It was devastating. As soon as he said those words, it was the beginning of the end. A very rough, long, and dragged out end.
So here I am now, about 6 months since he said those words and I am finally free.
It’s a strange and unknown territory that I’m in. I truly have not been single in my adult life and I’m tryng to find my footing, but its hard. In the last 6 months, I have made more mistakes than I ever thought I could. For a moment I regretted them, but now I am grateful for them in a way.
I still miss him though. Not necessarily my ex “the person”, but my ex “the idea”. I miss having a partner in crime. I miss having someone who makes me laugh, having someone to wake up next to, having someone to go on 1 am McDonald’s runs with. I miss someone holding me when I’m stressed and the feeling I got from having someone love me. I find myself feeling empty, so empty.
I know I don’t need a man by my side to be successful. I know I’m going to kick ass in this world without one. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want one. He left a huge hole in my life and in my heart and it feels damn near impossible to fill. But I do feel it filling, little by little. I’m nowhere near whole again but I’m not as empty as I was 6 months ago. That’s progress, it’s small but it counts. I am learning to be content with myself because honestly, I wouldn’t be any good to someone until I have myself figured out first. And that’s what I’m doing.
I spent the last 2 years putting someone else’s dreams, needs, and wants ahead of my own and I lost myself in the process. Now that he is no longer around, I have to reacquaint myself with the woman I was before him and the woman I am now. So far, she’s impulsive, she’s fun, she’s smart, she’s determined, she’s beautiful inside and out. And I must say, I’m really beginning to like her.
More to come,
Rosie
Rosie's Turn 